I can’t believe my acceptance to Harvard is being rescinded just because of some jaw-droppingly racist things I said two years ago. I never would have done that if I had known I wouldn’t get away with it. Can’t people change when it becomes circumstantially convenient for them to do so? I dream of the day when people are judged not by the slurs they write in a Google Doc, but by the content of their apology emails. I assure you, it is my apology emails that truly betray my humanity. (I am also drafting an apology email for the time I publicly vowed to betray humanity.)
I can’t believe I’m getting banned from Facebook just because my whole shtick is spreading demonstrably false conspiracy theories and inciting targeted hate speech against innocent private citizens. I thought we lived in a country that protected life, liberty, and the pursuit of advertising revenue primarily driven by hawking dietary supplements. I’m an ardent supporter of private enterprise and freedom of expression, which is why I believe Mark Zuckerberg should let me say whatever I want as if his website is a public forum.
I can’t believe my run of stand-up shows at Radio City Music Hall has been canceled just because I occasionally say or do things that aren’t “politically correct.” As in the exchange: “is it wrong for a comedian to consistently punch down throughout his career while also stifling the careers of the same marginalized people he claims have it good nowadays?” “Yes. Politically, that’s correct.”
I can’t believe I’ve been ousted from my incredibly lucrative weekly political commentary program just because I was creepy and abusive to literally every woman I ever came into contact with for decades. Whatever happened to free speech? Specifically, the freedom to say phrases like “get a load of those gams,” “don’t wait up, toots,” and “awooga, awooga” (while banging a hammer on my head) in a workplace bearing my name. I guess playful flirting from a host/executive producer that is repeatedly unreciprocated by an entry-level production assistant is against the rules now. Anyway, catch my weekly stream that’s identical to my old show at thoughtleader.biz.
I can’t believe I’m going to prison just because I bribed admissions counselors to let my deadbeat kid go to an elite private university. What was I supposed to do? Let them toss aside my son’s application like he was some kid who wasn’t my son? Have you forgotten that I am vaguely famous?
I can’t believe my Supreme Court nomination is being put in jeopardy just because of ONE (1) allegation of sexual assault. It didn’t happen. Also, I was a teen when it happened. Also, what a ridiculously high standard. Now you’re saying any person who forces himself on others can’t have a job as one of the nine people who interpret the Constitution of the most powerful nation on Earth? I guess we’re living in Lord of the Flies. (I never read Lord of the Flies but you can ask the nerd whose homework I copied in high school what I meant by that reference.)
I can’t believe I didn’t make the presidential debate stage just because no one has donated to my campaign or expressed interest in voting for me. I represent a community of more than 0 people! I deserve to have my voice heard, preferably while shouting over a woman who actually has a chance at getting elected.
I can’t believe I’m getting ratio’ed on Twitter just because I murdered my ex-wife and her friend 25 years ago. Also, I somehow still have a lot of money. How the hell do I still have so much money?
I can’t believe there’s a tiny chance I’ll get removed from the White House just because I might have taken compromising information about my opponent from a foreign power — and also I have openly admitted I would take compromising information about my opponent from a foreign power — and also while I was campaigning I publicly requested compromising information about my opponent from a foreign power. I am being persecuted with no evidence. By the way, when this is all over, I hope you’ll buy my book about the value of lying during business negotiations.