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List: Paul Ryan Index

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Days that Paul Ryan will have been in Congress when he retires on January 3, 2019: 7367

Days Paul Ryan will have been Speaker of the House: 1163

Average price of a new car: $32,086

Rank, in number of employees, of Walmart: 1st

Days an average Walmart worker will need to work to buy a new car: 572.96

Days per year that Paul Ryan will wear his polo collars popped during his retirement: 365

Average number of polos Paul Ryan will wear when he wears polos: 3

Number of times Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” will be played at Paul Ryan retirement parties and galas: 8,452

Percentage of guests who will sing loudly along with Journey every time “Don’t Stop Believin’” plays: 100%

Percentage of Paul Ryan’s bros who call him the “Speaker-inator”: 100%

Number of bills that Paul Ryan introduced in 2017: 2

Number of bills that Paul Ryan co-sponsored in 2017: 2

Number of ounces in Axe Body Spray for Men’s Dark Temptation fragrance: 4

Number of bottles of Axe body spray that Paul Ryan’s bros will wear during Paul Ryan retirement parties and galas: 4,987

Number of buttons on Paul Ryan’s bros’ shirts that will be unbuttoned when Paul Ryan’s retirement parties and galas begin: 2

Average number of buttons on Paul Ryan’s bros’ shirts that will be unbuttoned when the sauce starts to kick in at Paul Ryan’s retirement parties and galas: 6.5

Percentage of bros who will tie their neckties around their heads by the end of Paul Ryan’s retirement parties and galas: 100%

Area Code in Paul Ryan’s hometown of Janesville, WI: 603

Dollars the National Rifle Association has given to Paul Ryan: $171,977

Median annual public school teacher salary in Janesville: $54,595

Number of times Paul Ryan’s bros have flexed and referred to their biceps as a “gun show”: 9,765,103

Number of pounds Paul Ryan is lifting with his muscles in the infamous October 2012 issue of Time magazine photo: 50

Area in square miles of Lake Michigan: 22,394

Chances that Paul Ryan will get a boat and take that bad boy out on Lake Michigan every Sunday: 100%

Number of people in Wisconsin’s 1st Congressional District: 715,327

Average tax cut a middle-class family will get from the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017: $1,182

Cost of 2018 Carver 52 Coupe motor yacht for sale in Sturgeon Bay, WI on boattrader.com: $1,199,000

Percentage of times Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the U.S.A.” will play on Paul Ryan’s new boat whenever he takes it out onto Lake Michigan: 100%

Amount Paul Ryan received from BlackRock Inc. in 2017: $110,100.00

Assets under management by BlackRock, Inc.: $28,600,000,000.00

Drop in corporate tax rate under new tax law: 14%

Amount Paul Ryan received from retirees in his district in 2017-2018: $1,495,904

Number of beer cans in the 30 packs of Old Milwaukee that Paul Ryan’s bros will bring to his yacht: 30

Standard length of beer pong table: 8 feet

Number of cups in standard beer pong pyramid formation: 10

Amount that the new tax bill will add to the deficit over the next ten years according to the Congressional Budget Office: $1,446,700,000,000.00

Number of times Paul Ryan has called himself a “deficit hawk”: Who even cares — it’s bullshit

Amount the Koch brothers donated Paul Ryan’s fundraising committee after the GOP tax plan passed: $500,000

Number of days between when Paul Ryan’s tax bill passed and the Koch brothers’ donation: 13

Times Paul Ryan has addressed the Koch brothers and nearly addressed them as “Koch bros”: All of them

Days until Paul Ryan’s retirement: 265 days

Amount of money that the average Walmart worker will make in that time: $12,114.28

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bbernardini
2 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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GOP Retirement Announcement Template

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My constituents / fellow Americans / comrades in the Kremlin, serving you has been the greatest privilege / honor / cash cow of my life. But with wistful sadness / melancholic regret / utter relief from getting off this sinking ship, I am announcing my retirement from the Senate / Congress / posing for photo ops with “regular folks” whose benefits I just slashed.

I am grateful to have had a career in public service while making the country better / a more just society / millions, and I’ve loved working in Washington for you all back home. (Go local college football team / local MLB team / local NFL team owner whose stadium I got taxpayers to subsidize!) But I want to leave office before I ever become complacent / Tillerson beats me to the best oil connections / allegations arise from a staffer on a certain subject that might make me look a wee bit hypocritical.

My retirement has nothing to do with fears of a midterm defeat at the hands of an angry electorate / a well-funded Democratic challenger / this new lunatic they dredged up who makes Roy Moore look reasonable. I do not think the voters would punish me for supporting a president with unpopular policies / record-low approval ratings / having Steven Miller as a best friend, even after he taunted me with a disparaging nickname / insulted my wife’s appearance / dumped his fifth scoop of ice cream on me when I wasn’t looking, claimed “Wasn’t me,” then laughed and said, “Actually it was, you liddle loser! Also, your wife’s ugly.” Nor do I worry that another term in this chamber will tarnish my legacy / make me a target of the special counsel investigation / stain me by association with Trump — not metaphorically; I mean literally being stained orange through epidermal contact.

Rather, I think I can be more effective in the private sector, where I can better utilize my skills as a legislator / highly paid “board member” for industries I’ll deregulate in the coming months / Just for Men hair-dye box model. I am also eager to spend more time with my family / writing my memoirs / no longer being ambushed on camera in the Capitol hallways about Trump’s latest tweet, lie and say I haven’t seen it, then when they read it aloud, plug my ears and sing, “Tra la la, I can’t hear you.”

Regarding a topic many of you have brought up recently, I do not see a need to pass legislation protecting special counsel Mueller, since there is no current threat / the president understands that firing him would trigger a constitutional crisis / oh, whoops, Trump fired him as I was speaking this sentence — guess it’s too late to do anything now. Shucks!

Before I step down, I want to issue a warning with stirring rhetoric to all citizens about the dangers of plutocracy / nativism / authoritarianism, but first I have to hop on a private jet I voted to lower taxes on / authorize the deportation of some three-year-olds while chanting “USA!” / praise the president’s athletic prowess at an executive order signing. But I beseech you: heed my words / remember what I’m saying now and none of my prior actions / at least put an asterisk by my name in the “wrong-side-of-history” books.

I will dearly miss my colleagues, even those across the aisle, which proves that it is possible in our great government to have bipartisanship / through our differences that we seek out common ground / all a game to us, suckers.

Thank you for allowing me to represent you, from the bottom of my heart / Cayman Islands bank account / black hole where a soul would normally be. I couldn’t have done it for so many years without your unwavering support / the Citizens United ruling / low voter turnout and Fox News.

And now, I bid you adieu with the utmost dignity / respectability / complicity.

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bbernardini
2 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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Anti-Vax Experts

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bbernardini
3 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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Boyfriend Song

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Follow @lamebook on instagram for more

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bbernardini
3 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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If you send your social security number it could definitely...

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If you send your social security number it could definitely change your life! (Found here; For a related post, click here http://christiannightmares.tumblr.com/post/120546592206/invitation-to-become-a-witch-a-vintage-ad-for-the)

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bbernardini
6 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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If you need proof that FCC head Ajit Pai is a coward of epic proportions, look no further

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FCC chairman and Martin Shkreli wannabe Ajit Pai became one of America’s most hated people last year, when his blithe disregard for the overwhelming will of Americans and boot-licking servility to telecom giants resulted in the FCC repealing net neutrality, an Obama-era policy designed to prevent corporations from…

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bbernardini
8 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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