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Comic for 2018.02.18

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New Cyanide and Happiness Comic
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bbernardini
4 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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Rejected Black History Month-Themed Super Bowl Commercials

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If the unequivocally and overwhelmingly positive reaction from the Dodge Ram Martin Luther King Jr. commercial taught us one thing, it’s that our favorite Civil Rights Heroes left a legacy to help Americans do what Americans do best: sell things. The MLK RAM commercial had some stiff competition in the world of Civil Rights capitalism, here are a few of the rejected ads.

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Malcolm X for Mr. Clean:
“Message to the Grass Stains”

“A revolution is bloody. Revolution is hostile. Revolution knows no compromise. Revolution overturns and destroys everything that gets in its way. And you, sitting around here like ‘how the hell are we going to tidy up this mess?’ Presenting, Mr. Clean Ultimate Mop Package. Revolutionize the way you get rid of messes with Mr. Clean.”

Maya Angelou for Tempurpedic:
“I Know Why The Caged Bird Has Scoliosis”

“The caged bird sings with a fearful trill of things unknown but longed for still and his tune is heard on the distant hill for the caged bird sings of freedom, freedom from a mattress that does not shape the unique curvature of its overworked back. The free bird thinks of a better nights sleep, a restful and peaceful night. The caged bird sings of Tempurpedic.”

Frederick Douglass for Priceline:
“The Hypocrisy of American Travel”

“Am I to argue that it is wrong to make men brutes, to rob them of their liberty, to work them without wages, to keep them ignorant of their relations to their fellow men… or am I to argue that it be more wrong to keep a man from scoring the lowest prices on hotels, airfare, and rental cars while guaranteeing a price match against competitors. Don’t be a slave to price hikes with Priceline.”

Sojourner Truth for Capital One:
“Ain’t I a Credit Card Owner”

“That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! That is why I switched to Capital One. I don’t need anyone, and Capital One gives me the freedom to buy my own damn carriage.”

Thurgood Marshall for AT&T:
“Dissent from your cellular plan”

“We must dissent from indifference. We must dissent from apathy. We must dissent from fear, the hatred, and mistrust of a weak cellular network. We must not become disillusioned by the disloyalty of a man who went from “Can you hear me now?” to “You hear that?” The scales of justice tip towards an unlimited data plan with no dropped calls and infinite texts. Because we are America, and America is AT&T.”

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bbernardini
15 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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Our Administration Could Spend $5 Million On Mental Health Programs for Veterans, But We Think What Veterans Really Want is a Big, Expensive Military Parade

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Go down to your local Veterans Affairs office and you’ll hear our country’s military veterans all bemoaning the same issue about their lives post-war. The issue is not the harsh reality of post-traumatic stress disorder. Nor is it the difficulty of adapting to the simple monotony of life outside of combat zones. No, what every single brave United States veteran would like our government to fund is an extremely costly parade of soldiers and military weaponry along the boulevards of Washington, D.C. A big, expensive military parade would fix everything.

How can we claim to support the Americans who serve this country if we don’t spend a significant chunk of taxpayer dollars on a cavalcade of tanks and high-tech military hardware? We’re doing this for our veterans. It’s only a coincidence that our president happens to have a four-year-old child’s obsession with seeing big green trucks roll down the street. Although President Trump grins from ear to ear anytime he gets near the wheel of a large vehicle, this parade has absolutely nothing to do with indulging his obsession with shiny army planes. The parade will be exclusively for the benefit of our soldiers, who prefer this over a comprehensive package of healthcare and benefits.

We’ve heard the criticisms from the liberal left, who will do anything to avoid helping our brave troops. They simply don’t care about our veterans the way we do. While Democrats in Congress are pushing for vague, inadequate initiatives such as expansions to VA medical facilities and veteran-focused financial assistance programs, our administration is actually taking concrete steps to help our military personnel. We pulled several top generals from their important meetings in the Pentagon and told them to refocus all of their attention on planning a big, flashy military spectacle. Sure, 10,000 troops in Afghanistan are currently lacking any leadership because their general has been put to work obtaining a parade permit. But that’s just the kind of sacrifice we are willing to make for our country’s service members.

Our administration pledges to organize this parade even if we have to do so without taxpayer money. We’ll just creatively reshuffle some of the budget around. We can take some of the money that’s been earmarked for veteran mortgage assistance programs and instead use it on this one-day masturbatory display of military might. We think all of our veterans would agree that their mortgage payments would be better spent on the one-upmanship scheme of a delusional nationalist.

We are even committing to fixing the roads after the parade’s tanks inevitably damage the capital’s streets. We’ll simply funnel some money out of the country’s homeless veterans health care program. Problem solved. These veterans will benefit much more from a parade than they ever would from an extensive physical and psychiatric treatment program. Our veterans don’t want outreach, they want a Soviet-style procession of massive guns. This parade will solve all of this country’s veterans’ problems, more so than any mental health program ever could. God bless the troops, God bless America, and most importantly, God bless huge, unnecessary parades.

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bbernardini
15 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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An absurd and offensive Christian modesty guide written in 2016...

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An absurd and offensive Christian modesty guide written in 2016 (Found here; For a related post, click here http://christiannightmares.tumblr.com/post/26002439114/secret-keeper-girl-a-website-offering-modesty)

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bbernardini
15 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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2018 Is Coming

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bbernardini
16 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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Comic for 2018.02.04

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New Cyanide and Happiness Comic
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bbernardini
19 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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