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Quiz: Are You a Modern Conservative?

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Modern life can be confusing. Your sense of safety and identity is, by necessity, constantly changing based on things you read on Twitter, see on the fake news, and hear about from some someone who told someone you know about that awful thing Obama did.

Are you a liberal, a conservative, a Russian artificial intelligence created to sow discord in American society, or one of the thirteen hardened democrats working on Robert Mueller’s witch hunt Russia investigation? Take this quiz to help you find out exactly where you fit in our modern America!

1. Have you ever been denied service by a restaurant, store, or another service provider?

A. No (25 points)
B. Yes (0 points)

2. If you answered Yes to question 1, was this denial due to any of the following reasons? (Check all that apply):

A. Religion (0 points)
B. Ethnicity (0 points)
C. Sexual orientation (0 points)
D. Country of origin (0 points)
E. Your supervisor’s implementation of systemic discrimination based on all of the above (75 points)

3. If you answered Yes to question 1 and the explanation was not listed in the responses to question 2 above, please check all likely descriptions of the original denial of service:

A. Hypothetical (10 points)
B. Logical fallacy (10 points)
C. False equivalency (10 points)
D. Whataboutism (10 points)
E. Super annoyed about how fancy you think you are with answers A through D and would really like to own the libs by checking a different answer right now (50 points)
F. Potentially related to your occupation of a federal wildlife reserve (70 points)
G. This has never happened to me but I am hyper-concerned about the possibility that it might someday because Obama (35 points)

4. If you checked G, are you a handgun, rifle, or assault weapon, or an individual representing the rights of real or hypothetical handguns, rifles, or assault weapons?

A. No (0 points)
B. Yes (75 points)

5. Mike Huckabee’s Twitter account is (choose one):

A. Hilarious (25 points)
B. Racist (0 points)
C. Hilariously racist (75 points)

6. The full-length movies made by South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Team America: World Police, and South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, would best be described as (choose one):

A. Hollywood liberal garbage trolling real Americans and their real American beliefs and way of life (20 points)
B. Hilarious send-ups of both traditional conservative and liberal values (0 points)
C. Puppet and cartoon movies, respectively, that serious grown-up people would never watch (3 points)
D. Containing some interesting foreign policy positions that might be considered by a right-thinking American President. (35 points)

7. Should we lock her up? (Check all that apply):

A. Yes! (25 points)
B. No (0 points)
C. Fuck yes! (35 points)
D. What? (0 points)
E. Trump that bitch! (50 points)
F. I would require more information to answer this question (0 points)

8. If you answered either A, C, or E, please indicate the reasons you believe she should be locked up. (Check all that apply):

A. Fuck her! (50 points)
B. Fuck you! (25 points)
C. Obama (50 points)

9. Benghazi? (Choose one):

A. Benghazi! (50 points)
B. The second most populous city in Libya. (0 points)
C. Jesus Christ. I mean, come on, still with this? (0 points)

10. Do you feel a trade war with China and Europe and Canada and Mexico and pretty much all the other countries that aren’t Russia or Israel could have a negative effect on the U.S. economy? (Choose one):

A. No. (25 points)
B. Yes. (0 points)
C. I understand that trade wars are easy to win. (25 points)
D. Something about shoes and milk in Canada. (15 points)
E. Fuck that Justin Trudeau with his pretty face and real hair. (35 points)
F. USA! USA! (50 points)

Tally Your Score

If you scored between 0 to 10 points: Sorry. You are not a modern conservative.

If you scored between 10 to 795 points: Congratulations! You are a modern conservative!

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bbernardini
7 hours ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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LifeLock Still Gives NRA Discount It Said It Ended After Parkland School Shooting

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After the Parkland, Florida, school shooting last year, in which 17 students and staff at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School were killed, a slew of companies sought to distance themselves from the National Rifle Association.

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bbernardini
2 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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Wisdom Tree's Games Turned Shooters Into Bible Stories

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In the 1990s, a company called Wisdom Tree made serious bank selling Bible-themed video games for consoles. And in many cases, they were just tweaking existing games and giving them a Bible twist, with often hilarious results.

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bbernardini
4 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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5 Religious Movies (That Make Religion Look Crazy And Awful)

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bbernardini
4 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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Historical New York Times Tweets

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The contagion of incivility: President Trump says undocumented immigrants want to “infest” the United States. His critics respond with vituperative words of their own. — Actual tweet from @nytpolitics, June 20th, 2018, 9:51 PM

- - -

Trafficking in controversy: some are hailing China’s “Tank Man” as a hero. Rush hour commuters in Tiananmen may see his stunt a little differently.
— @nytimestravel, June 5th, 1989, 3:13 PM

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This is how we get flotsam: King George insists on levying harsh taxes on his New World subjects. Some Bostonians respond by littering in the harbor.
— @nytpolitics, December 17th, 1773, 10:29 AM

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They’re at it again: London bristles as yet more women join forces with Jack the Ripper to prolong historic killing spree.
— @nytimes, August 31st, 1888, 7:49 AM

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Stuck in their corners: assertive colonists, resistant tribes struggle to find consensus on preferred existential status of American Indians.
— @nytnational, March 19th, 1764, 9:42 PM

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The führer and the tattletale: Adolf Hitler’s aggression, Anne Frank’s leaks signal a troubling decline in European manners.
— @nytimesworld, January 11th, 1945, 2:42 PM

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Decorum goes south: America is watching as segregationists and ‘Freedom Riders’ make their cases. The rudeness of their tactics—prolonged state-sanctioned racial violence and loitering, respectively—does neither side any favors.
— @nytopinion, September 28th, 1961, 12:17 PM

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A crying shame: Tonya Harding acted inappropriately when she orchestrated the shattering of her opponent’s kneecap. Nancy Kerrigan reacted with some obnoxiously loud sobs.
— @nytsports, January 7th, 1994, 9:38 AM

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Equally culpable: Cancer cells can attack the human body relentlessly, leading to the formation of dangerous tumors. Chemotherapy, too, causes a number of unpleasant side effects.
— @nythealth, October 4th, 1999, 5:22 PM

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Presidential outburst sparks etiquette dispute: is it ever okay for an audience member to interrupt a live performance?
— @nytimestheater, April 15th, 1865, 8:18 AM

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The blame game: Republican operatives should not have broken into DNC offices at the Watergate Hotel. But was the eminently bug-able Democratic Party asking for it?
— @nytpolitics, June 22nd, 1972, 10:54 PM

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Not the ‘first’ lady: Melania Trump wore a jacket reading “I really don’t care, do u?” to a child detention center in Texas this week. But her predecessor, Michelle Obama, once wore an Old Navy cardigan while meeting with U.S. Marines.
— @nytfashion, tomorrow

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bbernardini
4 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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List: Countries of Europe Ranked by Civility (1939-1945)

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In response to the Trump administration’s immigration policies, some Americans have taken to publicly calling out members of the Trump administration in public, prompting others to ask if civility is dead in America. Let’s examine that question by looking at civility during another era:

6. The United Kingdom
Dead last. The Brits were extremely rude to the Nazis. Instead of nicely engaging Hitler in a dialogue about not bombing London, Winston Churchill resorted to trickery, letting Hitler waste resources, and public shaming via radio broadcasts. Once Neville Chamberlain was gone, Britain’s behavior was below the level of discourse one would expect from such a supposedly polite nation.

5. Denmark
The people of Denmark blatantly flouted Hitler on the eve of Jewish deportation. True, there were not many Jews in the country, but those sneaky Danes took it upon themselves to evacuate virtually all of their Jewish friends and neighbors to Sweden. No discussion, no going through the proper channels. Very uncivil.

4. France
France is a mixed bag. On one hand, there was the very civil Vichy regime, which didn’t do anything rash or unseemly and ultimately treated Hitler very fairly. That said, there were some very bad apples in France, who instead of nicely asking the Nazis not to occupy and deport all the Jews, formed an underground network, eroding the sacred bonds of trust between the occupying force and the populace.

3. Poland
Some might argue that Poland didn’t have much of a choice whether to be civil to Hitler or not, given they didn’t have the means to fight back and all, but that doesn’t mean we still shouldn’t give them credit for it!

2. Italy
Very collaborative! Very civil!

1. Germany
While you do hear stories about the odd German celebrity who made a stink (looking at you, Marlene Dietrich), at the heart of it, Hitler wouldn’t have been able to achieve anything without his very civil base. They kicked things off with a very civil Kristallnacht and remained civil throughout the passage of a series of restrictive laws against Jews. They were really great about not making too many waves when Jews were stripped of their businesses and property and were very cool about the whole deportation thing. High-ranking administration officials were able to eat in any restaurant they wanted throughout the entire war! Great job, Germany!

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bbernardini
4 days ago
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Coatesville, Pennsylvania
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